For those of you who regularly follow my posts and those who see a few here and there, you would know that it's predominately just photos. But every now and then, I actually have an opinion on something so bare with me.
I'll go backward in time because it seems to be easier to explain that way. Three things of varying significance have happened to me recently. The most recent and, significant of which, was the passing of my husband's uncle Ronny as I mentioned in my last post. When people die it makes people acutely aware of their own immortality. At the service, photographing the sun setting, I had a conversation with my husband and I said "I genuinely feel as though I would be ok if I died right now." I know this probably sounds a bit morbid, but I just mean that I'm in a great place, living my best life. Don't get me wrong, I'm desperate to hang around and watch my kids grow and I still have dreams and aspirations and things that I want to do, but at this point in time, I'm happy within myself and there's nothing that I would do differently. I'm healthy and I'm conscious about improving my health and wellbeing from all facets of life.
This brings me to the next thing (going backwards). Last night a close and dear friend of mine, asked me why I quit drinking. I didn't have a direct answer for her at the time. I said something offhand and typical along the lines of "I couldn't think of a good reason to keep drinking". I mean, I could have given her a novel sized list of all the stupid and idiotic stuff that I've done while under the influence and granted, some pages would likely be blank and some pages would be extremely fuzzy and very difficult to read. Or I could have said that all these years I thought alcohol made me a great dancer, singer, expert of all things and not to mention drop dead sexy... but I saw the video and that's all a lie. However, these reasons didn't really seem sufficient and while there was a couple of incidents that triggered my decision, it wasn't really a solid enough foundation to base my decision upon. If these reasons were significant, I would have quit years ago! About a month after I quit drinking my very gorgeous, intelligent and accomplished cousin said she was reading this book that reminder her of me..... (although now, having got about half way through it, I'm not sure how to take that)! The book is called "quit like a woman" and it wasn't until I listened to a particular chapter today that I could articulate a sufficient answer to my friends question. Now I'm summarising a little here but Holly (author) said that in her journey to sobriety, being sober wasn't the goal, it was a side-effect of getting her life together. Feel free to read that again because that was the a-ha moment for me.
You see the third thing that happened to me was that I quit drinking. Now at the time, this was a very easy decision for me to make. Yes it did happen to be right after a huge bender and I know that sounds very cliche, but never, ever, before had I ever said I would quit drinking, because I never wanted to be someone full of bullshit, false promises. But I was really, genuinely at peace with my decision. I felt good about it, relieved even. The only problem that I had with my decision, had absolutely nothing to do with me, it had to do with everyone else. You see, I was the binge drinking ring leader on a number of occasions! I was the one who peer pressured my friends into shots they didn't want or to giving up on their resolves to have a sober night, and now I was going to be the one feeling the pressure from others. Ever since I made the decision to quit drinking I have been trying to formulate a decent answer to my friends innocent and honest question "why?"
It wasn't until today, when I had my a-ha moment in that book that I realised why I was so at peace about it, why I was totally ok with it and why I don't have any cravings whatsoever. You see, I don't need it anymore, it's like I was saying about dying, I'm ok with that because I'm happy on the inside! I don't feel pressured to drink, I don't need to take the edge off, I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore and I no longer have the need to numb any pain on the inside from past years of trauma, abuse or self depreciation. I can actually talk to people now in social situations and I don't feel uncomfortable, I can speak my mind freely because it comes from a place of honesty and I'm learning how to manage conflict without needing dutch courage to talk about sensitive subjects.
Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to become one of those painful reformed drinkers that have no empathy for their old drinking buddies. This just means that I'll be your driver and the one to bring you aspirin and panadol in the morning with a big feed of greasy food and I'll massage your poor throbbing heads. Also, as my dear darling pointed out, when I do stay up and drink my "pretend beer", I'm still exactly the same full of cheek, telling people exactly what I think and the last to bed anyhow. Plus I will still have one and I might even go all out and have two and maybe even two and a cigarette, because I've learnt that when I'm told that I HAVE to do something (even if it's myself telling me), I'm not always so compliant. But my days of shots and drinking to excess are gone and I'm relieved.
I was a little conflicted about posting this to my blog, as part of me was thinking, "fuck them, you don't need to justify your decisions", but then the other part of me was saying "yeh you owe an explanation to the 'old you' who's mourning the loss of their drinking buddy" and I get that because I remember how I felt when I discover that those near me weren't drinking. So there it is.... we can return to your regular viewing now. Also, I realise that maybe this might have brought up some issues for some people, feel free to contact me any time at all and if your interested read "quit like a woman"... unless you're a bloke because she carries on with a lot of overly feministic crap that I don't believe in! I mean I support feminism to the point of equality but not to the oppression of men I just find that so ridiculously backwards and hypocritical.
From my phone:
