So by the time I have scheduled this post to be published tomorrow, I will be a parent. I know your probably a parent somewhere during pregnancy, but I will have a living, breathing human (god willing) that I'm now responsible for! There aren't too many moments in your life where you can pin point and say "that moment completely changed my life". Especially not when you can predict it in the future. But here we go. I was going to call this post "the last supper", but it's not really, more likely the first!
So tomorrow I am scheduled to have a caesarean at 1pm. It seems weird to have an actual time of impending parenthood and this is my fourth laparotomy, but my first one that isn't an emergency. So I've actually had time to think about it, which, when you've been through traumatic laparotomies like I have, I don't think that's such a good thing. I've been trying not to think on it too much and just keep calm. I will be awake this time, which is an added fear factor for me. I have been on the nursing side of birthing, both naturally and caesarean, when I was doing my training and spinal anaesthetic is something I have alway been scared of. That needle is HUGE!!
So we have been keeping the fact that we have known about Jam Drop's arrival date secret because I still wanted the arrival to be a bit of a surprise. I feel as though I've been robbed of a lot of things with this pregnancy and I suppose that makes me a little selfish, but I had dramas with fertility studies, didn't conceive naturally and I had complications from my stent (that was a result of the fertility studies going pear shaped). Now I have been robbed of the option to give birth naturally, being that it was not the safest option for Bub; which, of course was not even a decision that needed to be made, a no brainer. So that's my little rant of feeling sorry for myself, after all, this is the last time I really get to be selfish anymore isn't it? I have a fair idea where my priorities will be from now on.
At least my husband is now here with me and we can prepare for it together. Mum assures me that after what I've been through, this laparotomy will be a piece of cake, which is a bit of a confidence boost.
Yes I know this next pic is not the nicest and believe me, it's hard to share, I'm not a exhibitionist, but it's hard to find photos on the Internet of what to expect from laparotomy scars through pregnancy.
We went out for the most beautiful dinner this evening, our last before parenthood. I guess that is the only positive thing that can be taken from having a caesarean, it that we can plan a list of "our lasts", before we are parents.
Well I'm going to sign off now and spend some time with my husband. I'm looking forward to meeting our baby. I'm excited, nervous, scared, worried, did I say scared? I told my obstetrician that the bar was not set very high because my last one nearly killed me. Yes that is in the back of my mind. But we are going to be positive now, as long as Bub is good, that's all I'm really worried about. Well, goodnight.
