Goals and Happy Side Affects.

 For those of you who regularly follow my posts and those who see a few here and there, you would know that it's predominately just photos. But every now and then, I actually have an opinion on something so bare with me. 

I'll go backward in time because it seems to be easier to explain that way. Three things of varying  significance have happened to me recently. The most recent and, significant of which, was the passing of my husband's uncle Ronny as I mentioned in my last post. When people die it makes people acutely aware of their own immortality. At the service, photographing the sun setting, I had a conversation with my husband and I said "I genuinely feel as though I would be ok if I died right now." I know this probably sounds a bit morbid, but I just mean that I'm in a great place, living my best life. Don't get me wrong, I'm desperate to hang around and watch my kids grow and I still have dreams and aspirations and things that I want to do, but at this point in time, I'm happy within myself and there's nothing that I would do differently. I'm healthy and I'm conscious about improving my health and wellbeing from all facets of life. 

This brings me to the next thing (going backwards). Last night a close and dear friend of mine, asked me why I quit drinking. I didn't have a direct answer for her at the time. I said something offhand and typical along the lines of "I couldn't think of a good reason to keep drinking". I mean, I could have given her a novel sized list of all the stupid and idiotic stuff that I've done while under the influence and granted, some pages would likely be blank and some pages would be extremely fuzzy and very difficult to read. Or I could have said that all these years I thought alcohol made me a great dancer, singer, expert of all things and not to mention drop dead sexy... but I saw the video and that's all a lie. However, these reasons didn't really seem sufficient and while there was a couple of incidents that triggered my decision, it wasn't really a solid enough foundation to base my decision upon. If these reasons were significant, I would have quit years ago! About a month after I quit drinking my very gorgeous, intelligent and accomplished cousin said she was reading this book that reminder her of me..... (although now, having got about half way through it, I'm not sure how to take that)! The book is called "quit like a woman" and it wasn't until I listened to a particular chapter today that I could articulate a sufficient answer to my friends question. Now I'm summarising a little here but Holly (author) said that in her journey to sobriety, being sober wasn't the goal, it was a side-effect of getting her life together. Feel free to read that again because that was the a-ha moment for me. 

You see the third thing that happened to me was that I quit drinking. Now at the time, this was a very easy decision for me to make. Yes it did happen to be right after a huge bender and I know that sounds very cliche, but never, ever, before had I ever said I would quit drinking, because I never wanted to be someone full of bullshit, false promises. But I was really, genuinely at peace with my decision. I felt good about it, relieved even. The only problem that I had with my decision, had absolutely nothing to do with me, it had to do with everyone else. You see, I was the binge drinking ring leader on a number of occasions! I was the one who peer pressured my friends into shots they didn't want or to giving up on their resolves to have a sober night, and now I was going to be the one feeling the pressure from others. Ever since I made the decision to quit drinking I have been trying to formulate a decent answer to my friends innocent and honest question "why?"

It wasn't until today, when I had my a-ha moment in that book that I realised why I was so at peace about it, why I was totally ok with it and why I don't have any cravings whatsoever. You see, I don't need it anymore, it's like I was saying about dying, I'm ok with that because I'm happy on the inside! I don't feel pressured to drink, I don't need to take the edge off, I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore and I no longer have the need to numb any pain on the inside from past years of trauma, abuse or self depreciation. I can actually talk to people now in social situations and I don't feel uncomfortable, I can speak my mind freely because it comes from a place of honesty and I'm learning how to manage conflict without needing dutch courage to talk about sensitive subjects. 

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to become one of those painful reformed drinkers that have no empathy for their old drinking buddies. This just means that I'll be your driver and the one to bring you aspirin and panadol in the morning with a big feed of greasy food and I'll massage your poor throbbing heads. Also, as my dear darling pointed out, when I do stay up and drink my "pretend beer", I'm still exactly the same full of cheek, telling people exactly what I think and the last to bed anyhow. Plus I will still have one and I might even go all out and have two and maybe even two and a cigarette, because I've learnt that when I'm told that I HAVE to do something (even if it's myself telling me), I'm not always so compliant. But my days of shots and drinking to excess are gone and I'm relieved. 

I was a little conflicted about posting this to my blog, as part of me was thinking, "fuck them, you don't need to justify your decisions", but then the other part of me was saying "yeh you owe an explanation to the 'old you' who's mourning the loss of their drinking buddy" and I get that because I remember how I felt when I discover that those near me weren't drinking. So there it is.... we can return to your regular viewing now. Also, I realise that maybe this might have brought up some issues for some people, feel free to contact me any time at all and if your interested read "quit like a woman"... unless you're a bloke because she carries on with a lot of overly feministic crap that I don't believe in! I mean I support feminism to the point of equality but not to the oppression of men I just find that so ridiculously backwards and hypocritical. 

These images are from our trip to Cloncurry for Ronny's service. 

From my phone:

Christian, Melissa, Darcy and Mia 

Chris and Jody 

Tegan and Ubba. 

Mia and Jody 

Cristina and Kerrie 

I follow James Smith and he posted this the other day which I absolutely loved. Sorry it's a bit crude. 

This is another audio book that I just finished which I found really enlightening, especially towards the end of the book. 

Kicking myself for not stopping with my good camera for this one. 

Just in case you were wondering... this is me living my best life!!! Also. My mother used to have a horse a little bit darker than that and I used to ride a little white pony! So it was a bit of deja vu.  

Old girl remembered how to shoot. Got a few piggies. 

The found a hoard of frogs! 

One more attempt and I recon I'll have them! 

I've just returned from a gathering of friends this weekend. I decided to hold a painting day/ tupperware party with a group of mates and it was the best day! Such beautiful and grounded group of women and I'm so blessed to be able to call them all friends. And... turns out they are all great artists. Despite them having a very amateur instructor, they all did amazing well I was very impressed!  

Sheree and Bethany

Such a perfect gathering and lovely way to spend a Saturday. 

You know, I have no idea where I will be this time next year or even what I will be doing. The future for us is so uncertain at the moment. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it! There's no point in be being upset about it or anxious. I'm just content and calm. I'm not saying there won't be moments of anxiousness or concern or even fear, but for the most part it's just about living in the now and enjoying the blessings I have! Great family, great friends and loads of opportunity. 

Take care everyone, love to you all xx 

Dust

Yesterday, I heard the news of my uncle's (in-law) passing. It's always difficult to find the words and even as I'm writing this I find myself erasing the words and then trying to find new ones to replace them. I never had the privilege of spending a lot of time with uncle Ronny and I wish I had been able to benefit from his extensive knowledge of horses and horse breaking skills. I find it a little ironic that his passing was on my birthday, it brings to mind the cycle of life and how everything continues to move on despite the loss. I know that his death will be keenly felt by so many people across the horse industry, as he touched so many people and impacted so many with his teachings, his facebook page is overflowing with tributes. I don't think he would have thought of himself as an icon, but he definitely was! I'm certain that he has a plant of very beautiful horses where he is now!  

H came to visit a couple of weeks ago and we took the opportunity to muster some heifers while he had the chopper available. 

And we were lucky enough to have a little ride as well! So spoilt! 

I love the golden glow on the blue gums as the sun sets on them and the moon was huge...... however, I just can never seem to capture the beauty of it! The moon seems to shrink in my camera and I can never seem to do justice to the golden glow. Makes me wish I was a better artist. 

 

My hibiscus gave me a flower for my birthday. 

I was very spoilt to receive another coffee machine after the last two broke.... but I'm pretty sure that this is my last chance! So need to wrap this one in cotton wool! 

Garrett's sunflowers are growing slowly. 

My mulberries are coming along, but I don't know if the birds are going to beat me! 

My bottlebrush is turning it on for my birthday as well. The native bees absolutely love it. 

I worked some nursing shifts this week and as I was a late shift the night before my birthday, meant that I stayed in town and got to have a birthday brunch with my mum and a couple of good friends, which was very special. 

Hummingbird cake!! Yep it was delicious!!! Decorated with pineapple flowers. 

I got home from work just in time to have a midnight macaroon for my birthday. 

Yes.... well. I don't know if this storey is worth telling but anyhow.... I was given the all clear by my Dr and physio that after my ACL repair surgery that I was all good to start riding again. So we went on our first muster as a family.... my horse however, due to lack of riding and the fact that he's still pretty young, decided that he was going to misbehave. So the following morning I decided to remind him that he was a good horse and that good horses don't carry on like pork chops! At the end of our session, he had done very well and calmed down, so I decided that as the main pain in my knee was getting on and off, that I would get off the opposite side of the horse in order to save my knee from flexing quite so much. My horse, even though we had done this before when I broke him in, went "wtf are you doing" and started to move away as I was getting down. As I was already committed and didn't want to step down onto my bad leg, I had to get my good leg out of the stirrup in a hurry..... which led to me rolling my ankle on my good leg as I stepped down!! *insert spastic face here*

Soooo now I have a bad knee on one leg and a sprained ankle on the other! Which wasn't helped by the 3 very busy nursing shifts that I had. I don't think that I broke anything but you never know my luck!  

Our first family muster! I sent this photo to mum..... when I was kaka's age mum's horse used to be similar colour (bit darker and much taller) and I used to have a little white pony. So it was a little ironic.

My macaroons... finally starting to look like they are supposed to! I got 1 in 4 trays to turn out. 

Visiting our neighbours. 

Good mates. 

Love this little girl (I'm not really as tired as I look)! 

Learning to steer on the Monster Truck (Monty)

Wooah 

My first attempt at a mirror glaze! Surprisingly easy to do. 

I told Justin to take a photo of the wagyus for me to put into our new app to keep track of cattle! 

Was nice to get on a horse again. 

Pirate remembers me which is cool! I think she was hoping for some hay! 

View from the helicopter ride. 

Couple of whirlwinds. 

Flash muri in my new hat!! 

My lavender is blooming! 

Timmy... brought a new album! Love this one. 

I have no idea what this is. I saw it on my walk. 

We are having a painting party in a couple of weeks and I couldn't find anyone to teach us, which means that I'm the teacher. So I've been practising. I think I might have to offer everyone a couple of tequila shots before we start. 

Listening to this book at the moment. It's very interesting and sometimes a bit hard to get my head around. But very interesting. 

I thought I would leave you with kaka's morning face. I'm not much of a morning person either, but I'm learning to be. She's so damn cute but, even when she's grumpy. 

Hope you are all well. 

Always hug people like you mean it! 

And say "I love you", it's not hard!